Taking Back “How Are You?”
How are you? How’s it going? How’re you doing?! These questions are used as greetings so often that authentic replies are rarely expected. The reply most often heard is "fine" rather than genuine. Deepen your awareness of self and social intentions by taking back "How are you?". Transform a superficial greeting into an opening for emotional intimacy and connection. Nourish social and emotional well-being by reclaiming the choice to simply greet or share how we truly are.
Summary: Ask and respond to “How are you?” differently.
Time: 10 minutes
Trust Required: High
Keywords: caring, circle, communication, emotional, icebreaker, lifeplay, prep-free, social, support
This is a sample activity from the emotional well-being chapter of Flourishing Classrooms. To see all 144 activities click here.
For Educators ...
Everyday Version (1 minute): Pair up students, have them face each other, and use or adapt the following script: “I’m going to ask a question and I invite everyone to respond to their partner naturally and immediately, without thinking. Both partners can reply at the same time. Ok, here’s the question [dramatic pause] . . . How are you?” Note some of the typical responses heard: “fine,” “okay,” “good,” or “how are you?”
Intimate Version (5 minutes): Invite students to repeat the question, but this time with two minutes for each person to respond as deeply and authentically as they wish. Each partner gets a turn speaking while the other listens, beginning with the person sitting closest to the door. Use a timer to ensure each person gets their turn. The two minutes may be extended for deeper sharing, although it can feel like a long time for some people.
Debrief (5 minutes): debrief with partners, then with the whole group.
What happened? Thoughts? Feelings? Contrast the everyday and intimate experiences.
What is our purpose in asking these questions? If we wish to greet someone, saying “nice to see you” is appropriate. At other times, we may genuinely want to connect more deeply by asking "how are you?".
How do we typically answer these kinds of questions? How does it feel to share deeply? Are we encouraged to do so on a regular basis?
Safety: Sharing emotional states authentically requires significant vulnerability (for the sharer) and sensitivity (for the listener). Make sure students know that depth (or shallowness) of sharing is always according to individual comfort and safety.
Lifeplay: Challenge the entire class (students and teacher alike) to consider responding deeply when they hear these phrases, and also consider their intention on using them. Debrief this challenge to see what happens when we consider carefully whether to simply greet, or deeply inquire, when we meet another person.
For Everyone ...
Notice throughout life when you and others use the phrase "How are you?" ...
... as a superficial greeting?
... as a genuine invitation to connect deeply?
When others ask "How are you", practice responding in different ways, and notice how your response shapes the interaction.
A typical response (fine, how are you?) may feel best as a simple greeting in passing, or if there are other matters to discuss.
Responding authentically (sharing something about how you truly are) may bring more depth and connection to the interaction. Practice discerning how deeply to share depending on your feelings of safety and trust.
Listen deeply if the other person shares, remaining silent and taking in their response with presence.
Ask "How are you" only as an authentic inquiry into a person's well-being. If you wish to simply greet someone, just say “hello" or "nice to see you”. But when you sense the time is right, really asking "how are you?" and meaning it, can make a world of difference in social well-being. Sense your intention in a given situation and be mindful of how you greet others.