Mentorship in HEAL Support Groups

What is HEAL mentorship?

Mentorship is a voluntary one-on-one relationship between a more experienced HEAL member (the mentor) and a newer member (the mentee). No two mentoring relationships are alike, as each member has their own situation and journey, so mentorship may involve any of the following: 

• Connecting: deep listening, engagement, and awareness helps reveal where the mentee is in their healing process, and give them things to ask about in meetings. Connection could happen in-person (if possible), or via phone, text, or web app. communications--whatever is mutually agreeable to both

• Supporting: providing emotional support in the form of non-judgemental encouragement and understanding for the mentee. For example, simple compassion for a mentee being overly hard on themselves. Mentoring support does not replace professional support such as therapy, but occurs in a supportive context of group meetings, professionals, family, friends, etc.

• Learning: sharing practical healing strategies is a two-way benefit of mentoring. For example, sharing and discussing any of these key healing resources. Mentoring isn’t about advice, but finding things that may serve our journey in the other and leaving the rest. 

• Sharing: offering personal healing stories and perspectives, perhaps in response to mentee concerns. Mentoring isn’t about imposing personal views but discerning what might be useful for the mentee, and offering perspectives (e.g., “This is my story, does any of it resonate for you?”). Mentor sharing from a vantage point of relative stability and wholeness offers hope and perspective in a time of mentee vulnerability.

• Questioning: asking helpful questions, while honoring the mentee’s unique journey and personal decisions. Questions could be about self-care, establishing healthy boundaries, or simply asking what the mentee needs most right now.

  • What do you need in terms of support at this stage of your healing?

  • Would you like me to just listen, or respond with some thoughts?

  • Is there anything I can do that will be of benefit to you right now?

  • What do you think a healthy, wise, compassionate, adult would do in your situation?

• Celebrating: recognize, acknowledge and celebrate mentee progress, since they may not see their own process in the non-linear healing path.

• Reciprocating: the mentoring relationship rewards both mentor and mentee by cultivating meaning, hope, support and wholehearted connection in navigating a challenging healing journey together. Mentees receive precious support and mentors may get inspiration, purpose, gratitude, and an invaluable perspective on how far they have come.

Who are HEAL mentees?

A mentee is a current member of a HEAL group who is actively attending meetings, and is struggling with any aspect of their healing journey. 

Who are HEAL mentors?

A mentor is any HEAL member, past or present, who is willing to mentor, and has some of the following qualities. Having all qualities is not required.

• Experience: twelve months of experience within a HEAL group, and/or a corresponding depth of healing progress. This could include progress in their own journey, or experience being mentored themselves. Mentors need not feel 100% healed to provide support, since mentees can be inspired by seeing hope and progress in the face of challenges that inevitably occur at all stages of healing.

• Presence: a capacity to sense the words, feelings and experiences of others with equanimity.

• Compassion: understanding, empathic and non-judgemental toward others in their journey.

• Positivity: having positive thoughts, words and actions which set an example of healthy healing.

• Responsiveness: willing and available to connect with the mentee and share time.

• Authenticity: gives their perspective honestly in response to questions and support needs, while acknowledging that everyone has unique situations, perspectives and paths forward.

• Engagement: participating in a HEAL support group with the mentee is wonderful, although mentors may have graduated from their group and mentor without being a regular part of a group.

• Health: sets appropriate boundaries, self-monitors for compassion fatigue and practices self-care.

• Safety: protective of mentee privacy and personal boundaries. Mentors need to be objective, and so are not close friends or romantic partners to mentees. The mentor is someone the mentee can feel respect and trust toward, without having a long-standing personal relationship. 

How do I get started as a mentor or mentee?

Anyone in the group who feels they have some of the qualities above can simply express their willingness to be a mentor, either to a group facilitator or by posting to the group forum. Once approved, mentor/mentee relationships may then start in a number of ways:

• Group facilitators (or a mentorship coordinator) may identify possible mentoring connections. 

• Existing mentors may reach out to a new member, or simply let the group know they are willing to mentor.

• New members may reach out to a mentor one-on-one after a meeting, or simply let the group know they are looking for a mentor. Reaching out is a vulnerable and brave thing to do, but don’t take it personally if the mentor is not able to connect, they may simply be committed already.

Some mentees will prefer to work with a mentor who has something in common with them (e.g., gender, affair details, etc.) but this isn’t strictly necessary. Contrasting experiences can also be beneficial and complementary. What matters most is that both mentor and mentee feel comfortable with each other and so there must be mutual agreement of both mentor and mentee before beginning any mentorship.

How does mentorship end and how long does it last?

Mentoring relationships are temporary, and will last as long as they are beneficial to both parties. Either mentor or mentee is free to end the relationship at any time. When a mentoring relationship ends, set boundaries, respect the process, and express gratitude to each other for your shared time together. Mentees may find a new mentor, or move into a mentor role themselves. Mentors can discontinue mentoring at any time by contacting Jeff Catania. Until then, new mentees may continue to be paired with mentors. 

An Alternative to Mentoring: Informal, On-the-Fly, 1:1 Connections

So often people post in our group forum that they are willing to talk 1:1 with another member who is struggling. Sometimes, two people in similar situations just want to connect. To set up an informal conversation (outside the forum), either by phone, email, text, or web chat (whatever works between the two people) either:

1. post a message in the forum asking for a chat or offering to chat to another person. 

2. use the three dot menu and "Reply to Author" to reach out to an individual with an offer to connect.

Note this is separate from our ongoing mentorship program above, which is a more committed support relationship between a mentor and mentee.