I used to avoid driving past the neighborhood where my wife’s affair partner lived, because the feeling was so awful. Later, circumventing the area felt worse than driving right by, like he still had some kind of impact on my life. I ultimately started driving right through, which felt like taking my life back. However, the initial phase of avoidance helped me through a time of high pain along with a low capacity to be with that pain. So avoidance can be a temporary measure to avoid being overly destabilized or overwhelmed by triggers. Avoidance may give us some periods of peace or stability to aid in recovery. However, avoidance is generally not a long-term strategy as the trigger itself may be avoided, but the underlying pain is still there, and will resurface in other ways.
Examples of avoiding might include:
Destroying, discarding or otherwise removing certain triggers in our environment (e.g., clothing, a car involved with the affair, mementos of the affair, etc.).
Avoiding a place, job, family events, etc. that is related to the affair in some way.
Taking time away from your partner, as they themselves may be such a frequent trigger that some kind of temporary/therapeutic/psychological separation may give some stability for healing.
In a Nutshell
Avoiding is a temporary measure when we don’t have the resources to stay out of overwhelm with triggers.
Avoidance isn’t a long-term solution because the stored pain itself will keep triggering until we develop the resources to feel it and let it release.
With a certain amount of mental willpower, especially when enhanced by mindfulness practices, it may be helpful to sometimes just redirect intrusive thoughts (triggers) to a more positive aspect. For example, consider these examples of redirection in various trains of thought.
"This song reminds me of the affair ... and at least I can listen to music on the way to work”.
"She's two minutes late, which is stressing me out ... and she has been so much more dependable of late than ever before."
"They're upset about it again, and I don't want to talk about it ... and I know that every time we do it's a step forward in healing."
Another aspect of redirecting is "just saying no" to the thoughts. We do have a personal will and exerting it over and over develops it. To a greater or lesser degree, we can exert some influence and choice over what we think about.
It may help to label an intrusive thought as either “helpful” or “unhelpful” to create some distance from it. This gives the mind a better chance of focussing on something else (redirecting) that is more positive, helpful, healthy, etc.
A deeper healing strategy lies in the expression of the trigger experience, either as it happens, or afterward, to allow the pain to flow and be released in some way. Note that expressing alone may not feel effective for some people, and indeed might feel like rehashing the pain. For others, expressing feels incredibly freeing and healing, especially if some gratitude appends each expression. Decide for yourself what works for you. Some examples of expressing include:
Openly sharing when you are triggering with trusted friends/family/partner or just vocalizing to yourself if you are alone … e.g., “driving past that exit is triggering me, and I am feeling really bitter right now, although I am grateful I have my own car and can get around..”
Journalling or writing down thoughts, which may never be read again, burned, kept, whatever works.
Questioning oneself with "why am I feeling this way right now?" (surface or deeper dive, see below) along with some self-care (see above).
Painting or drawing, sometimes accompanied by destruction of the art, or preserving the art as a way to integrate and accept the experience.
Joining a support group such as Healing Each Affair Lovingly (HEAL).
Writing email, letters or texts which can either be sent (usually later, not immediately) or deleted/destroyed. The act of writing itself may be enough, and sending hurtful messages may cause new pain so self-compassion is needed.
Reprogramming, or “rewiring”, triggers may combine aspects of the two strategies above (expressing and experiencing) with statements or thoughts that generate a healing energy. For example:
If healing alone, reprogram intrusive thoughts into self-soothing: “how could she do this to me?” becomes “this had nothing to do with me, it was about her own issues and vulnerabilities".
Being reminded of the affair partner (e.g., walking past a restaurant they ate in and thinking “he paid so much attention to her” becomes “he and she both had flaws like me and everyone, and I have learned so much about what fills me with joy since the betrayal”).
Appending onto any trigger a practice of relaxing (e.g., three deep breaths) or self-soothing or gratitude or even physical exercise such that every trigger becomes an opportunity to cultivate positive traits.
When a life experience activates stored pain inside us, we can feel “triggered”. If traumatic memories get strongly bonded with stored pain, the resulting pattern repeat throughout life, grooving our psyche. These patterns are uncomfortable, painful, or even overwhelming, and we may try to distract, escape, numb or avoid the triggers in the first place.
However, the problem is not the triggers, but the unreleased stored pain. True freedom isn’t avoiding difficulty (as Singer says “there will always be something”), but instead learning to stay with difficulty. This means “coming alongside ourselves” when triggered--with kindness, presence and compassion--releasing the stored pain, and gaining freedom for our soul. T.R.I.G.G.E.R.S. become timely, rewarding, invaluable, gifts, granting endless release & salvation. Some of these other acronyms may help you with this powerful practice.
K.A.S.P.E.R. - Kindness for trigger, Awareness of trigger, Stop doing and stop putting energy into thinking, Presence for the energy of the inner body, Expression may occur as the energy releases or changes in some way, Rest to provide tender self-care and time for any release to complete.
P.A.U.S.E. - Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences (Lockhart A. “FORGING INDIVIDUAL TRANSFORMATION” the Gatehouse Adult Support Program Phase 2 16 Week Program Participant Manual. http://thegatehouse.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/PH2-MANUAL-FINAL.pdf)
SBNRR (Siberian North Rail Road) - Stop, Breathe, Notice, Reflect, Respond (Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute. SIYLI. Published 2012. https://siyli.org/resources/mindfulness-and-negative-emotions)
S.T.O.P. - Stop, Take Breaths, Observe, Proceed (Reducing Overwhelm with the STOP Technique. https://thewellnesssociety.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/STOP-Technique-PDF-1.pdf)
R.A.I.N. - Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture (RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion. RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion - Tara Brach. Tara Brach. Published 2020. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/)
R.R.R. - Recognize (self-awareness), Respond (self-expression), Reset (self-care) (Ciolek J. How To Release Emotions Stuck In Your Body. ACEsConnection. Published November 16, 2018. https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/how-to-release-emotions-stuck-in-your-body)
Eventually, the practice of being with triggers is dropped, and we become more or less permanently open. Fullness of life is having all of its experiences (good, bad, happy, sad) without pushing or pulling on any of it. In this way, you use life to free yourself.
If you have been practicing any of the above strategies, then you will have gained at least some capacity with a precious aspect of healing: noticing when you are triggered, while you are triggered. Once you have this skill, you can then decide, when you are having an intrusive thought, to transform the state of overwhelm you may be feeling to one of peace through any of the following transformative practices and strategies, some of which you will do in combination (e.g., move to another room, lie on the floor, breathe and call a friend). You will have to explore and play with these to find out which work best for you. When you have transformed the trigger into a more peaceful state, you can deal with life in a responsive, wise, healthy, skillful, loving way rather than a reactive, triggered way, leading to better outcomes, leading to less triggers … and so on.
Any of these self-care/self-love practices
Mindfulness
Breathing
Taking five
Moving to another room
Working out
Going for a walk
Self-soothing (bath, tea, music
Meditation or prayer
Simply look at the sky, tree (any natural object)
Hold treasured keepsake (e.g., stone in pocket)
Do yoga, tai chi or similar
Use humor
Do a body scan
Anchoring
Willfully “dropping it”.
7. Feeling Fully (Kind/Aware Experiencing)
If you have ever had a lucid dream, you know it can be a rare and precious experience to actually be aware that you are dreaming. Even more precious is the moment when you first become aware as you are triggered. This “lucid trigger” experience not only takes much of the distress out of the trigger, because of the presence that accompanies the experience, it also allows you to employ the strategies that might otherwise be completely forgotten during a period of overwhelm. You can tell your progress with this according to the following guide:
0) No awareness of being triggered, ever, no understanding or vocabulary for triggers.
1) Awareness of being triggered happens after the entire chain has completed,
A major aspect of healing that many people struggle with, or do not recognize as helpful, is to actually feel the painful experience as it arises with as much sensory clarity, kindness and equanimity as possible. This practice of cultivating equanimity is all about gradually lessening the need to “push” or “pull” on any experience. Less pulling means less grasping, diving into, or getting lost in a trigger. Less pushing means less delaying, distracting, or escaping of triggers. Instead of obsessing (pull) or repressing (push), we simply have the experience fully without judging ourselves or what’s arising. We learn the practice of acceptance.
“I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us...It was all about letting go of everything.” ~ Pema Chodron, When Things Fall ApartPracticing a kind and aware experiencing of triggers transforms the pain into presence, into more awareness that you can use to experience and release future triggers, etc. Slowly, and then more powerfully, you will release a great deal of stored pain ... the more you do it, the more you will feel at peace inside
Watch an intrusive thought as it arises by focussing only on any visual pictures or movies that come to mind. Watch these without any desire to not have them or to get absorbed in them. Just watch.
As above, but with voices or sounds in your mind.
As above, but feeling the emotional response in your body, from the neck down, without getting lost in any of it, riding the wave. Does it feel like intrusion? Restriction? Hyper-arousal?
For particularly difficult triggers, focus on a remote part of your body e.g., the bottoms of your feet and how they feel during the trigger. If that feels too hard to do, focus on one aspect of the trigger experience (e.g., seeing, hearing or feeling) but not all of them at once.
8. Deep Diving (Self-Inquiry)
Triggering events, and our initial reactions, represent only the outer surface of pain. Just underneath lies the recent pain of infidelity. Beyond that however, are likely multiple layers of pain stretching into the depths. These deeper wounds were left from prior experiences like violence, neglect, poverty, racism, abandonment, mental illness, death, separation, addiction, incarceration, accidents, sickness, or abuse in many forms. Pain can also ripple down from previous generations through intergenerational trauma. If you have had success with a number of the previous strategies, try taking a deeper dive into healing with this self-inquiry. Respond to each question in turn, revisiting the inquiry at different points in the healing process.
What is the triggering event? (e.g., an approaching anniversary or holiday)
What is my immediate reaction: physically, mentally, emotionally? (e.g., jaw clenching, rapid painful thoughts, anger)
Is there a deeper experience beneath? (e.g., humiliation, shame)
Have I ever had a reaction/experience like this one in the past? (e.g., childhood experience of being left alone)
Is there a core belief or pattern that arises from these depths? (e.g., belief of not being wanted)