Trigger Toolkit: 9 Approaches to the Pain Beneath Triggers
Everyone, inevitably, has painful life experiences. When pain does not pass through a person unresisted, most or all of it may be stored below the surface (in the body). With traumatic experiences like betrayal, such pain can be deeply entrenched.
This stored pain (also known as stored energy, blockages, stuck events, mental scars, or samskaras) may lie dormant sometimes, but an event that relates to the original trauma can activate or "trigger" it. A triggering event could be a sight, sound or sensation from the outside world, but it could also be an internal thought or feeling (self-generated). The greater the stored pain beneath the surface, the easier it will become activated.
While the word "trigger" often refers to the painful experience as a whole, the triggering event itself is not the real problem. Though one may try to avoid any and all triggering events, ultimately the stored pain beneath must be the focus of healing.
Example of a Triggering Experience
When activated, stored pain causes emotional upset, difficult/intrusive thoughts, and uncomfortable or painful body sensations. Thoughts can lead to feelings, and vice versa, causing a chain reaction, extended experience of being triggered, or even being overwhelmed. Pema Chodron wrote “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” The example below illustrates this process.
A song is played
which you feel vaguely troubled all day
and replays in your head that night
when you become consciously aware it has the lyric “orange”
and recall the affair partner had an orange car
and now (ouch) a hot, anxious, hole-in-the-heart feeling arises
so you cry and now there is also an intense, heart-wrenching churn
such that when your partner awakes, a fight ensues, because they are now triggering
and you feel “in the dark” about the car, the affair, and so much more
and you feel just like you felt as a child when your parents didn’t tell you ... [connection to other trauma]
and you believe you are not worthy, like a child who is purposely kept in the dark [reinforcing limiting beliefs]
Note internal thoughts/emotions are in light grey, so that steps 1, 7, and 8 above are the only aspects of the trigger “chain reaction” that actually happened in the outside world, the rest is internal. Therefore, triggers are mostly an internal process that will require internal approaches to address.
See how much is grey … your partner could only be aware of the external events, so it can be helpful to tell your partner about your triggers as they occur, along with related chained experiences, to help them have empathy for what you are feeling and experiencing. Relating a trigger as it happens is also a way to practice having “lucid triggers” (see below).
If there was no partner, this chain could have started at 3), and been 100% internal (all mental thoughts).
Past events are shown [in square brackets] and so it is evident that the deeper aspects of the trigger chain are often related to stored pain from the past. The triggering event itself (you hear a song) is innocuous on its own.
Additional trigger chains from others (e.g., your partner) or even yourself may intermingle and amplify things.
There could be a 12) and beyond showing all the parents, ancestors, etc. conditions and stored pain that can stretch back for eternity, a long history of handed-down, intergenerational trauma from ancestors, culture, etc.
Sometimes repeated activations of triggers (especially mental ones or a frequently-experienced trigger like living with the partner who betrayed you), can groove a well-travelled neural pathway that becomes deeply ingrained. The trigger pattern is now an “intrusive thought” or “thought loop” that keeps coming back again and again.
The good news is that there are many strategies to help be with and release the stored pain that triggers activate (e.g., thought loops can be reprogrammed through mindfulness and rewiring practices). These strategies are described below, and you will use your own inner sage to guide you to the ones that serve your highest need at this stage.
Summary So Far
Triggers are present moment events (internal or external) which activate pain (internal) due to past traumatic experiences.
The stored pain (not the triggering event) is the focus of healing.
There can be multiple, deep layers of past experiences which all contribute to a trigger “chain reaction”.
Repetitive triggers may groove neural patterns, recurring over and over to become stubborn and intrusive.
There are many strategies to help be with and release the stored pain that is activated by triggers.
Using Life to Heal Yourself from T.R.I.G.G.E.R.S.
I used to get support group members to vote for meeting topics, and I stopped asking because the same topic came up month after month: dealing with triggers! While triggering experiences can be painful and overwhelming (see iceberg above), there is an opportunity to use every trigger experience to heal ourselves. Michael Singer writes extensively about this theme in his book The Untethered Soul ...
“Use life to free yourself.” - Michael Singer
So while the triggering event itself may get our immediate focus (e.g., the person who cut you off, or the song that reminds you of the affair), it is the stored pain underneath, calling to be surfaced and released, that deserves our love and attention, in order to free ourselves from feeling it. Triggers can therefore be seen as a priceless pointer indicating the direction we need to go for healing (often downward through the layers, and inward), along with a precious opportunity to relax and release the underlying pain.
Much more on these strategies is shown below, but this idea of reframing of triggers as your friend, not your enemy, is a key turning point in recovery. Triggers are not something you want to “get rid of”, or worse, indulge in ...
Pushing away experiences only keeps them coming back, rather than letting them flow and release.
Pulling on experiences (e.g., trigger “binging” or perseverating) keeps them close to you, again rather than letting them flow and release.
So seeing triggers as also something beneficial provides the possibility for making the entire experience healing, rather than debilitating. Triggers that come up through daily living can be seen as an aid to healing, pointing the way to release.
Each of the nine strategies below relates to this idea of triggers as stepping stones to healing. Ultimately, as our stored pain is released, there will be nothing left for any trigger to activate and you will become a truly liberated being.
1. Self-Care (or Lack Thereof) Softens (or Amplifies) Trigger Distress
Beyond any strategy, basic self-love/self-care will have a significant impact (either positive or negative) on the perceived severity of triggers, and is therefore always an important factor to consider.
2. Avoiding
I used to avoid driving past the neighborhood where my wife’s affair partner lived, because the feeling was so awful. Later, circumventing the area felt worse than driving right by, like he still had some kind of impact on my life. I ultimately started driving right through, which felt like taking my life back. However, the initial phase of avoidance helped me through a time of high pain along with a low capacity to be with that pain. So avoidance can be a temporary measure to avoid being overly destabilized or overwhelmed by triggers. Avoidance may give us some periods of peace or stability to aid in recovery. However, avoidance is generally not a long-term strategy as the trigger itself may be avoided, but the underlying pain is still there, and will resurface in other ways.
Examples of avoiding might include:
Destroying, discarding or otherwise removing certain triggers in our environment (e.g., clothing, a car involved with the affair, mementos of the affair, etc.).
Avoiding a place, job, family events, etc. that is related to the affair in some way.
Taking time away from your partner, as they themselves may be such a frequent trigger that some kind of temporary/therapeutic/psychological separation may give some stability for healing.
In a Nutshell
Avoiding is a temporary measure when we don’t have the resources to stay out of overwhelm with triggers.
Avoidance isn’t a long-term solution because the stored pain itself will keep triggering until we develop the resources to feel it and let it release.
3. Redirecting
With a certain amount of mental willpower, especially when enhanced by mindfulness practices, it may be helpful to sometimes just redirect intrusive thoughts (triggers) to a more positive aspect. For example, consider these examples of redirection in various trains of thought.
"This song reminds me of the affair ... and at least I can listen to music on the way to work”.
"She's two minutes late, which is stressing me out ... and she has been so much more dependable of late than ever before."
"They're upset about it again, and I don't want to talk about it ... and I know that every time we do it's a step forward in healing."
Another aspect of redirecting is "just saying no" to the thoughts. We do have a personal will and exerting it over and over develops it. To a greater or lesser degree, we can exert some influence and choice over what we think about.
It may help to label an intrusive thought as either “helpful” or “unhelpful” to create some distance from it. This gives the mind a better chance of focussing on something else (redirecting) that is more positive, helpful, healthy, etc.
4. Expressing
A deeper healing strategy lies in the expression of the trigger experience, either as it happens, or afterward, to allow the pain to flow and be released in some way. Note that expressing alone may not feel effective for some people, and indeed might feel like rehashing the pain. For others, expressing feels incredibly freeing and healing, especially if some gratitude appends each expression. Decide for yourself what works for you. Some examples of expressing include:
Openly sharing when you are triggering with trusted friends/family/partner or just vocalizing to yourself if you are alone … e.g., “driving past that exit is triggering me, and I am feeling really bitter right now, although I am grateful I have my own car and can get around..”
Journalling or writing down thoughts, which may never be read again, burned, kept, whatever works.
Questioning oneself with "why am I feeling this way right now?" (surface or deeper dive, see below) along with some self-care (see above).
Painting or drawing, sometimes accompanied by destruction of the art, or preserving the art as a way to integrate and accept the experience.
Joining a support group such as Healing Each Affair Lovingly (HEAL).
Writing email, letters or texts which can either be sent (usually later, not immediately) or deleted/destroyed. The act of writing itself may be enough, and sending hurtful messages may cause new pain so self-compassion is needed.
5. Rewiring
Reprogramming, or “rewiring”, triggers may combine aspects of the two strategies above (expressing and experiencing) with statements or thoughts that generate a healing energy. For example:
If healing alone, reprogram intrusive thoughts into self-soothing: “how could she do this to me?” becomes “this had nothing to do with me, it was about her own issues and vulnerabilities".
Being reminded of the affair partner (e.g., walking past a restaurant they ate in and thinking “he paid so much attention to her” becomes “he and she both had flaws like me and everyone, and I have learned so much about what fills me with joy since the betrayal”).
Appending onto any trigger a practice of relaxing (e.g., three deep breaths) or self-soothing or gratitude or even physical exercise such that every trigger becomes an opportunity to cultivate positive traits.
When a life experience activates stored pain inside us, we can feel “triggered”. If traumatic memories get strongly bonded with stored pain, the resulting pattern repeat throughout life, grooving our psyche. These patterns are uncomfortable, painful, or even overwhelming, and we may try to distract, escape, numb or avoid the triggers in the first place.
However, the problem is not the triggers, but the unreleased stored pain. True freedom isn’t avoiding difficulty (as Singer says “there will always be something”), but instead learning to stay with difficulty. This means “coming alongside ourselves” when triggered--with kindness, presence and compassion--releasing the stored pain, and gaining freedom for our soul. T.R.I.G.G.E.R.S. become timely, rewarding, invaluable, gifts, granting endless release & salvation. Some of these other acronyms may help you with this powerful practice.
K.A.S.P.E.R. - Kindness for trigger, Awareness of trigger, Stop doing and stop putting energy into thinking, Presence for the energy of the inner body, Expression may occur as the energy releases or changes in some way, Rest to provide tender self-care and time for any release to complete.
P.A.U.S.E. - Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences (Lockhart A. “FORGING INDIVIDUAL TRANSFORMATION” the Gatehouse Adult Support Program Phase 2 16 Week Program Participant Manual. http://thegatehouse.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/PH2-MANUAL-FINAL.pdf)
SBNRR (Siberian North Rail Road) - Stop, Breathe, Notice, Reflect, Respond (Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute. SIYLI. Published 2012. https://siyli.org/resources/mindfulness-and-negative-emotions)
S.T.O.P. - Stop, Take Breaths, Observe, Proceed (Reducing Overwhelm with the STOP Technique. https://thewellnesssociety.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/STOP-Technique-PDF-1.pdf)
R.A.I.N. - Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture (RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion. RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion - Tara Brach. Tara Brach. Published 2020. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/)
R.R.R. - Recognize (self-awareness), Respond (self-expression), Reset (self-care) (Ciolek J. How To Release Emotions Stuck In Your Body. ACEsConnection. Published November 16, 2018. https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/how-to-release-emotions-stuck-in-your-body)
Eventually, the practice of being with triggers is dropped, and we become more or less permanently open. Fullness of life is having all of its experiences (good, bad, happy, sad) without pushing or pulling on any of it. In this way, you use life to free yourself.
6. Transformation
If you have been practicing any of the above strategies, then you will have gained at least some capacity with a precious aspect of healing: noticing when you are triggered, while you are triggered. Once you have this skill, you can then decide, when you are having an intrusive thought, to transform the state of overwhelm you may be feeling to one of peace through any of the following transformative practices and strategies, some of which you will do in combination (e.g., move to another room, lie on the floor, breathe and call a friend). You will have to explore and play with these to find out which work best for you. When you have transformed the trigger into a more peaceful state, you can deal with life in a responsive, wise, healthy, skillful, loving way rather than a reactive, triggered way, leading to better outcomes, leading to less triggers … and so on.
Any of these self-care/self-love practices
Mindfulness
Breathing
Taking five
Moving to another room
Working out
Going for a walk
Self-soothing (bath, tea, music
Meditation or prayer
Simply look at the sky, tree (any natural object)
Hold treasured keepsake (e.g., stone in pocket)
Do yoga, tai chi or similar
Use humor
Do a body scan
Willfully “dropping it”.
7. Feeling Fully (Kind/Aware Experiencing)
If you have ever had a lucid dream, you know it can be a rare and precious experience to actually be aware that you are dreaming. Even more precious is the moment when you first become aware as you are triggered. This “lucid trigger” experience not only takes much of the distress out of the trigger, because of the presence that accompanies the experience, it also allows you to employ the strategies that might otherwise be completely forgotten during a period of overwhelm. You can tell your progress with this according to the following guide:
0) No awareness of being triggered, ever, no understanding or vocabulary for triggers.
1) Awareness of being triggered happens after the entire chain has completed,
A major aspect of healing that many people struggle with, or do not recognize as helpful, is to actually feel the painful experience as it arises with as much sensory clarity, kindness and equanimity as possible. This practice of cultivating equanimity is all about gradually lessening the need to “push” or “pull” on any experience. Less pulling means less grasping, diving into, or getting lost in a trigger. Less pushing means less delaying, distracting, or escaping of triggers. Instead of obsessing (pull) or repressing (push), we simply have the experience fully without judging ourselves or what’s arising. We learn the practice of acceptance.
“I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us...It was all about letting go of everything.” ~ Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart
Practicing a kind and aware experiencing of triggers transforms the pain into presence, into more awareness that you can use to experience and release future triggers, etc. Slowly, and then more powerfully, you will release a great deal of stored pain ... the more you do it, the more you will feel at peace inside
Watch an intrusive thought as it arises by focussing only on any visual pictures or movies that come to mind. Watch these without any desire to not have them or to get absorbed in them. Just watch.
As above, but with voices or sounds in your mind.
As above, but feeling the emotional response in your body, from the neck down, without getting lost in any of it, riding the wave. Does it feel like intrusion? Restriction? Hyper-arousal?
For particularly difficult triggers, focus on a remote part of your body e.g., the bottoms of your feet and how they feel during the trigger. If that feels too hard to do, focus on one aspect of the trigger experience (e.g., seeing, hearing or feeling) but not all of them at once.
8. Deep Diving (Self-Inquiry)
Triggering events, and our initial reactions, represent only the outer surface of pain. Just underneath lies the recent pain of infidelity. Beyond that however, are likely multiple layers of pain stretching into the depths. These deeper wounds were left from prior experiences like violence, neglect, poverty, racism, abandonment, mental illness, death, separation, addiction, incarceration, accidents, sickness, or abuse in many forms. Pain can also ripple down from previous generations through intergenerational trauma. If you have had success with a number of the previous strategies, try taking a deeper dive into healing with this self-inquiry. Respond to each question in turn, revisiting the inquiry at different points in the healing process.
What is the triggering event? (e.g., an approaching anniversary or holiday)
What is my immediate reaction: physically, mentally, emotionally? (e.g., jaw clenching, rapid painful thoughts, anger)
Is there a deeper experience beneath? (e.g., humiliation, shame)
Have I ever had a reaction/experience like this one in the past? (e.g., childhood experience of being left alone)
Is there a core belief or pattern that arises from these depths? (e.g., belief of not being wanted)
At the bottom, you may come upon a core wound, and/or perhaps an event that relates to this core wound. By reflecting on your life experiences, memories and relationships you may be able to find the root of this pattern in your life.
9. Healing
Ultimately, healing is the best trigger strategy as it results in integrating, releasing or otherwise making peace with the stored pain inside us that is the actual source of the triggered pain. When the stored pain is gone, the triggers no longer have anything to set off. For some people, forgiveness might be defined as releasing the memories of pain such that we can freely experience each present moment without the past intruding. A few examples are below but note this strategy is vast and can be complex, see other resources for more ideas.
Practicing self-compassion and compassion for others.
Sharing information about the affair to the degree that the faithful partner needs to move on.
Writing down questions for your partner to address later.
Mindfulness practices and other self-directed neuroplasticity.
(For even more approaches to dealing with triggers see the "Managing Your Triggers Toolkit").
The Healing Journey: Stages, Relapses, Plateaus, and Progress
Every healing journey is different, with many stages and inevitably ups and downs. One of the best things about being in a support group is seeing others in these various stages, just like you. Those later in their healing may exude happiness, trust, and peace, giving others hope and elevation. Those in the middle of their healing may show self-love, courage, and determination, giving others inspiration. Those early in their healing may feel pain, heartbreak, and devastation, give others empathy, a feeling of not being alone, and potential gratitude for having moved on from that same painful place.
Sometimes in healing we may seem to be back in the same place we were in a month or year ago (relapse). At other times it may feel like nothing is changing (plateau). Even in these times, healing is still happening, with micro changes (we cannot detect) and macro changes (below the surface) that are taking us to new healing spaces and places. As a wheel moves forward, the point of contact is stuck to the road, the top is flying, and the middle is somewhere in between, but it is always making progress. Even “bad” situations might end up being the best possible thing later. Many affair recovery graduates report feeling grateful for the whole experience in the end!
One pearl to find in this is that no matter where one is in a healing journey, there is always a step forward. In the early phases, this could look like falling asleep to have a subconscious break from it all. In the middle stages, a step forward could be letting something go (an expectation, a loss, or even a relationship). Much farther along, a step forward could be tasting flourishing beyond reason.
Assessing Progress: Healing on a 100 Point Scale
Gauging progress on an up and down healing journey can be difficult. Fortunately, trigger experiences are a great way to gauge progress. Triggers feel overwhelming in the beginning, but as stored pain is released, trigger frequency, intensity, and duration (among other things) change significantly. The chart below helps you assess where you are in the healing journey from 0-100 (higher is better).
You can assess yourself over the past two weeks, and compare the result to how things felt in the immediate aftermath of discovery. Seeing real progress gives hope and relief to many who feel like triggers will never change. This assessment could also help a person understand how a particular healing strategy (e.g., a therapist using EMDR for six months) has helped (or not).
Instructions: considering the last two weeks, circle the statement in each column that best describes your experience. It's normal to be in different rows in different columns. For each circle, add the score in the left column to get a total score out of 100. Scoring close to zero is completely normal for those who have recently discovered their partner's affair so refrain from self-judgment. Repeating the assessment each season in an appropriate frequency to gauge healing progress.