Post-Discovery First Aid ~ Thriving Beyond Infidelity

“Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal.” ~ A Course In Miracles

These post-discovery first aid techniques (written primarily for the faithful partner, but also usable by the unfaithful partner) are based on the wisdom of hundreds of support group members who have been where you are. The sections are presented with the highest priority strategies for the newly discovered first. You can also jump to any section using the links above. Since your situation is unique, let your intuition guide you in discerning which strategies are best for you at this time. You didn’t choose to be betrayed, but you get to choose how you move through your healing journey. No matter where you are right now, it is not only possible to recover, but to feel absolute joy, peace and love again--indeed, to thrive beyond infidelity.


Love Yourself

In the aftermath of discovery, it’s not unusual for self-care to go out the window, perhaps for some time. But this devastating period is also an absolutely crucial time to initiate self-care. Just as there is no shame when things fall apart in a devastating time, you can forgive yourself at any stage of your journey for a dry spell of self-care, and begin to love yourself again. 



Test Yourself

Ideally, everyone involved in the affair (along with their partners) will get screened for sexually-transmitted infections or diseases. This requires disclosure to everyone, which can be a hurdle. Whether or not the affair partner (and their partners if applicable) have been informed, getting tested is critical even if there is 99% certainty that the affair was not physical, since getting complete honesty immediately post-discovery is rare. 


Protect Yourself

Infidelity often includes a financial betrayal component, which could be mild (going out to dinner), medium (significant spending on gifts or hotels), spicy (giving away family assets to support the affair partner), or extra spicy (total bankruptcy draining accounts to pay for sex workers or online fees). Protect yourself by checking and securing financial assets and accounts where possible. Secret credit cards, burner phones, dating/hookup website costs and more can all impact the bottom line. 

Depending on the local laws in your region (fault or no-fault divorce), it may be important for you to gather evidence of the affair. Do this before confronting your partner and/or they potentially cover their tracks. Having photographs, screen shots, access to secret accounts (change the password), downloaded messages or other evidence may help you in case of an eventual separation or divorce.


Trust Yourself

Once you get some self-care going, you have a robust base from which you can begin your healing journey. In that journey you will get to make many decisions, and take many actions big and small. Here are some considerations for how to approach those decisions and actions.


Share Yourself

At first, we may remain silent about infidelity for a number of reasons such as shame, isolation, or a feeling that we are "protecting" our partner or relationship. Inevitably, not sharing builds pressure inside us that wants release through healthy sharing with others, such as in a support group, with a therapists, or with friends or family. Sharing is a doorway to healing, and an absolutely critical aspect of recovery. 


Reframe Yourself

Don’t take the affair personally, it has nothing to do with the faithful partner. Sometimes, the faithful partner will put some responsibility on themselves, and/or the unfaithful partner may even outright blame them for the affair (though this is deeply flawed/wounded thinking). Nevertheless, the affair is always 100% the choice of the unfaithful partner, and reflects their vulnerabilities and their opportunities and their choices. Responsibility for​ the relationship ​is shared, but infidelity is a choice that ​has nothing to do with the faithful partner, no matter what issues there may be within the relationship. There are great relationships that have affairs and toxic relationships that do not. This frees up precious emotional energy for healing.

As much as you are able, take a stance of acceptance and gratitude. Many members who recover and heal ultimately feel grateful for the affair in that it was the catalyst for a transformation in themselves and/or their relationships. We can also be grateful for any redeeming factors that we may have, for example ...


Heal Yourself

Without reconciliation (which is a two person job), personal healing remains as everyone’s birthright. Even when the unfaithful partner has left (with or without an explanation), or is not willing and able to reconcile, the faithful partner has infinite healing and thriving potential. The phrase “healing alone” is ridiculous because nobody has to heal completely alone. There are always friends and family, or support groups and therapists if friends or family don't work for you. The person who betrayed you may not be in the picture, or fading from it, but there are billions of other people in the world looking to be well and flourish.

If you are not reconciling, you may feel lighter from not having to be triggered by your partner. Reconciling requires a lot of energy, and can generate great upset, so not doing it may be considered a benefit. Healing without reconciling also offers a powerful potential for personal healing, transformation, change and renewal. You can become healthier, happier and more loving than ever before, especially if you try the following. 


With reconciliation, if the unfaithful partner is willing to transform and heal in a healthy way, there is potential for everyone to benefit. It is absolutely critical to assess the reconciliation using this assessment to gauge if reconciliation looks to be healthy, toxic, or in between.


Rest Yourself

Balance recovery and rest by sensing when you are feeling and slowing down or taking a break. This can also apply to therapy, reconciling with your partner, talking about the affair, reading books on infidelity, taking courses, and more. At first, the betrayal will seem to dominate your life, but eventually you will be able to have little moments, and (eventually) entire days when you won’t think about it. Your progress is not only gauged by your capacity to let little bits of healthy “normalcy” back into your life, it depends on your ability to do so.


A Deeper Dive into Healing

This is just the beginning of your healing journey beyond infidelity. Seek out further resources and support by joining our free support group or accessing expert, experienced coaching to help you thrive beyond betrayal.