Post-Discovery First Aid ~ Thriving Beyond Infidelity

These post-discovery first aid techniques are based on the wisdom of hundreds of support group members who have been where you are. The sections are presented with the highest priority strategies for the newly discovered first. You can also jump to any section using the links above. Since your situation is unique, let your intuition guide you in discerning which strategies are best for you at this time. You didn’t choose to be betrayed, but you get to choose how you move through your healing journey. No matter where you are right now, it is not only possible to recover, but to feel absolute joy, peace and love again--indeed, to thrive beyond infidelity.

Initiate Self-Care (Self-Love)

In the aftermath of discovery, it’s not unusual for self-care to go out the window, perhaps for some time. But this devastating period is also an absolutely crucial time to initiate self-care. Just as there is no shame when things fall apart in a devastating time, you can forgive yourself at any stage of your journey for a dry spell of self-care, and begin to love yourself again. 

1. Use this Self-Care/Self-Love Playsheet to explore possibilities of self-care across multiple domains of well-being.

2. SHAPED by Self-Care: the acronym SHAPED can remind us about self-care. Feel free to make up your own acronym using whatever themes are most healthy and relevant for you currently.

• • Sleep: take some care with sleep hygiene (even though sleep may be difficult).

  • Hydrate: drink fluids throughout the day, carry a bottle if necessary.

  • Access support: via a good friend, therapist, support group, web forum, etc.

  • Practice: healthy, effective, healing practices (e.g., yoga, mindfulness).

  • Exercise: get moving, stretching, lifting, whatever you will do regularly.

  • Diet: balanced, healthy eating (even though eating may be forgotten).

3. Self-Care is All-Care: Self-care isn’t just individual, it’s collective. We are sometimes conditioned that self-care is selfish, and that we “should” take care of others first. This can result in some subtle self-sabotage, for example by believing we don’t have time. Yet self-love actually benefits everyone in your life—especially your partner (if you are reconciling). SelfAll-care is a great way to work on all your relationships, since any wellness you cultivate personally gets shared in your social network. A corollary to this is the importance of hanging around with the healthiest, most supportive people possible, and avoiding the blamers, shamers, and drainers (see next point).

4. Embrace the Gains, Let Go of the Drains: Let go of, move away from, get help for, or put up boundaries toward people, situations, actions, and substances that drain, harm, or otherwise don’t feel good to you. 

5. Highest Need? If we are used to taking care of others, it can be hard to even think of our needs, let alone give ourselves permission to meet them. Can you start by thinking of your highest/best personal need, right now? Now (very simply), can you give that to yourself in some way? For example, you might feel exhausted, and your highest need is sleep ... can you have a nap, or go to bed earlier? If your highest need is to not feel so triggered by your partner, can you make a little bit of space and autonomy from your partner (e.g., they watch kids while you go for walk or see a friend).

Trust Yourself

Once you get some self-care going, you have a robust base from which you can begin your healing journey. In that journey you will get to make many decisions, and take many actions big and small. Here are some considerations for how to approach those decisions and actions.

1. 2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad: When making decisions (major or minor) trust what your heart, head and gut agree on (or even two out of three)! If you can’t feel your body, get some help in therapy or practice interoception.

2. Give Yourself Time: There may be long stretches where you don’t know what to do or what decision to make and this is okay. It’s very good to avoid making decisions when in the extremes of an emotional tailspin anyway. Allow yourself as much time as you need to decide things. At the same time, do not hesitate to do immediately what is healthy and appropriate for you, when you feel some certainty about it (see a. above). 

3. A Small, Gray-ish, Decision (That You Change Later) … is Still a Decision: Allow your decisions (and life) to evolve and change over time. There are rarely any absolute outcomes that can’t be undone. So consider that decisions can be small steps along a continuum, instead of making everything black and white. For example, in between total commitment to a monogamous marriage and complete divorce, there are a huge spectrum of intermediary options (including doing more things independently from your partner, trial/temporary separation, psychological or therapeutic separation, legal separation, nesting, or cohabitation). So let your bigger decisions be made up of small and gradual little ones, and also let them change over time.

4. You Aren’t Alone: Get help to support you with and through decisions. Also sense when to ignore advice (like from this list). You can also safely ignore advice from judgemental/naive/triggered friends (and sometimes therapists) who don’t seem to understand infidelity. These people may be well-meaning, but ultimately unhelpful to you if you trust that a different choice than they want for you would serve you better.

5. Clarity Will Come: You will know when you know. Think three out of three instead of two out of three!

Talk, Open Up, Share

When I discovered my wife’s affairs, I thought it was my job to keep silent to protect her and our relationship. I was also so devastated that I couldn’t imagine sharing with somebody and adding that experience to my distress. It’s incredible how we can sometimes feel shame when somebody else has behaved badly. But inevitably, the pent up pressure of keeping things inside led me to sharing in a support group, then with therapists, friends, family and much more. Sharing was the doorway to healing for me, and an absolutely critical aspect of recovery. This topic is so important, and I hope these points can help you.

1. Sharing what you are going through is typically one of the powerful aspects of healing.

2. Not sharing can be one of the greatest impediments (and stresses) to healing.

3. You have the right to share, and you get to choose who you share with.

4. It is possible to balance sharing and maintaining other relationships, etc.

5. Not everyone will be a good listener or supporter, and you can tell when they:

   • blame you;

   • judge you or your partner (though partner bashing may feel good, you need to be the focus);

   • get overly upset, angry or otherwise not be able to holding supportive space for you;

   • project their own stuff onto you (including their own infidelity experiences, if any) including what decisions or actions they feel you “should” take.

6. Some people will be incredible listeners and supporters and you can tell when they:

   • do not blame or judge;

   • listen deeply and non-judgmentally to understand you;

   • show empathy and compassion;

   • ask how you would like to be supported, and when, and how much.

7. You can usually tell the difference between these two (and know it’s okay to share) when: 

   •  you feel in the depth of your being that it would be good to share with a particular person;

   • you trust the listener has the capacity to listen/support in the way you need; 

   • sharing is going to bring some goodness or love to you or this world in some way.

8. When you are really struggling with sharing (or not), ask yourself what your intent is with the sharing. For example, I remember wanting to tell the affair partner’s wife about the affair, but realized my intention was only to cause harm and pain to the affair partner, not so much to “help” her. Consider the entire situation, and then go in the direction that feels lighter and more loving long-term.

9. Good listeners/supporters may not come in the package/person/manner you expect. Your best friend or family member may end up being the last person you need to talk to. However, the not-so-close colleague, distant relative, neighbor, or person on the bus could become the greatest support you ever wanted, but never expected.  

10. It’s effective to tell listeners/supporters up front what you need prior to sharing. For example, do you need them to simply listen, give support, offer perspectives or a combination? 

11. Talking about betrayal helps reverse a bias in society that wants to keep infidelity a secret. You will be doing a public service, if nothing else.

12. Revisit and repeat "self-care" and "talk, share, open up" above.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Though it may be difficult to accept, the affair has nothing to do with you. You may put some responsibility on yourself, and your wayward partner may even outright blame you for their affair (though this is deeply flawed/wounded thinking). Nevertheless, the affair was 100% your partner’s choice, and reflects their vulnerabilities and their opportunities and their choices. 

​Responsibility for​ the relationship ​is shared, but infidelity is a choice that ​has nothing to do with you, whatever issues there may be within the relationship. There are great relationships that have affairs and toxic relationships that do not.

Testing and Resting

See your doctor, or go to a walk-in clinic, and get screened for sexually-transmitted illnesses. Do this even if you are 99% certain the affair was not physical. Your partner is (most likely) unable to give you the complete truth about the affair early on, so get checked. 

Balance recovery and rest by sensing when you are feeling and slowing down or taking a break. This can also apply to therapy, reconciling with your partner, talking about the affair, reading books on infidelity, taking courses, and more. At first, the betrayal will seem to dominate your life, but eventually you will be able to have little moments, and (eventually) entire days when you won’t think about it. Your progress is not only gauged by your capacity to let little bits of healthy “normalcy” back into your life, it depends on your ability to do so.

Gratitude

Many members who recover and heal ultimately feel grateful for the affair in that it was the catalyst for a transformation in themselves and/or their relationships. We can also be grateful for any redeeming factors that we may have, for example ...

1. If you do not have a health challenge (e.g. STD) due to the affair (this happens);

2. If you are not having to deal with custody/support for an out-of-wedlock child (this happens);

3. If you do not have to deal with a partner who is addicted to sex and needs serious treatment (this happens);

4. If the affair partner is not stalking and trying to hurt you personally in toxic, unpredictable ways (this happens);  

5. If you are not financially bankrupt, indebted and/or lose your home due to the affair (this happens);

6. If your partner did not take off immediately, never having expressed remorse, leaving no chance for reconciliation (this happens) … OR … if you do not have to deal with being triggered by your partner who has not left (this happens too)!

Healing without Reconciliation

While it takes a willing partner to reconcile, personal healing is everyone’s birthright. Even when the wayward partner has left (with or without an explanation), or is not willing and able to reconcile, there are many redeeming factors for the betrayed partner.

The phrase “healing alone” isn’t applicable to anyone: nobody has to be completely alone. There is always a group or therapist to support you, even if you have no friends or family members (or a nice person on the bus) to talk to and find support in. The person who betrayed you may not be in the picture, or fading from it, but there are 7.9 billion other people in the world.

Though your partner may not be willing to reconcile, and separation or divorce becomes another challenge, most people feel much lighter not having to be triggered by their partner. Reconciling requires a lot of energy, and can generate great upset, so not doing it may be considered a benefit. Healing without reconciling also offers a powerful potential for personal healing, transformation, change and renewal. You can become healthier, happier and more loving than ever before, especially if you try the following. 

1. Get separation help: If separating, find a mediator, lawyer or other professional to help you through the process. Have multiple consultations to find one you feel right with. Protect yourself physically, financially, and in terms of custody. Stand up for yourself, especially if your partner is abusive or  manipulative.

2. Get Help: you may feel alone but you do not have to be alone. Be open to people who are willing and able to help you. Your “friends” may help or may disappear and those you never expected may come forward (e.g., in-laws!). Help is everywhere and infinite. Allow it to come to you in your time of need and actively seek support and help for yourself and your family where needed.

3. Allies/Supporters: you are only as alone as you wish to be! The first seven strategies in this document can help you find supportive others.

Healing with Reconciliation

If the wayward partner is in the picture in any way, and has some willingness to reconcile, then they have a great potential to aid (or hinder) both healing and reconciliation. See Wayward Partner Factors for Healing and Reconciliation for a list of these and more on this important topic.